


Peter Parker makes bad choices when he's panicked

by Dingoman



Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kid Fic, Peter makes stupid choices
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-05-31 04:06:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15111461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dingoman/pseuds/Dingoman
Summary: Peter Parker finds a baby in the dumpster and panics.





	1. Chapter 1

"Fuck."

Everything is loud, and confusing and very panic inducing and _god damn_ why does this baby smell so _bad?_ (it's the dumpster it's definitely the dumpster. Maybe it's actually him that smells?) 

The baby screams.  

Which, well. He would be crying too if he'd been left in a dumpster. It's understandable. He understands. He really does. It's just that the baby _won't stop crying_ and it's so _loud._

"Please," Peter whispers. "Please stop crying." 

"Look! I'm Spiderman! You like Spiderman don't you?" (It's only then his brain supplies that this is a _baby_ and it definitely doesn't know who Spiderman is or what Spiderman is or probably even that Spiderman is a person.)

"Would you stop crying if I take my mask off?" Peter does and the baby freezes. "Look see? I'm not scary." 

The baby stares at him in awe, silenced for a matter of three seconds before it starts crying again. Peter slumps over a little in defeat. He kind of feels like crying too. He brings the baby closer to his chest. 

"Please," Peter begs it.

The baby keeps crying. 

 

 

He panics and finds himself at a Wal-Mart open 24-hours a week, sans one suit, and plus one screaming baby. There aren't a lot of people in the store but it is a surprisingly larger amount of people then he thought there would be, and the store is _big_ and he has no idea where the baby stuff is and the baby is _still_ crying. 

Nobody appreciates the crying baby in his arms. He grabs a cart and drives it one handed and searches for three whole grating minutes before he finds the baby aisle. He knows a little something about babies but he really really doesn't know enough, and he has to read the labels to find out what he needs. (He still has a card from Tony Stark and he hasn't used it because he doesn't really feel that comfortable using it but he makes an exception this time because he really doesn't have any other options and the baby _needs_ things. He can sort it out later.) 

He's wheeling the little cart towards the checkout before he remembers that babies need clothes and the baby should not be wearing anything that was in that dumpster with it. He has to wheel back to the clothes aisle and pick out the first outfits he can find. (He realizes later, that all he bought was slightly too large bunny onesies in different awful neon colors. He really maybe should have been paying more attention but the crying baby sent him into panic mode.) 

They find the checkout fast, and he's piling the objects on as fast he can, trying to speed up the process so he can get the baby to a bathroom or something and clean it up that he barely registers the Checkout lady (blonde with a faintly purple sheen) speaking to him. Peter looks up and immeadietly regrets it.

"What's his name?" Checkout lady coos at the baby. Smell and snot and all. 

Peter freezes.  _Shit Shit shit-_

"I-uh-f-ferarri!"  

"Fer-arri?" Checkout lady sounds confused and _god fucking dammit Peter-_

"Y-yeah. Ferarri. Ferarri Ferrel." _Why can't he stop the steep spiral he's on-_ "It matches." 

"O-oh." 

Checkout lady seems stunned. She scans his items in silence, and doesn't say a word when he mumbles thank you on his way out the door. He's definitely monumentally screwed up. And now he has a baby and baby supplies and he has no idea what to do. 

He calls for a ride. 

 

 

"I have a baby." 

"You-what?" Tony Stark's eyes practically bug out. "Jesus fuck I thought they taught that in middle school-" 

"Wait-" 

"I can't even-when did you even have the time to-" 

"I didn-" 

"And now-god-who's the mother?" 

"I don't know?" 

" _Peter._ "

"He was _abandoned_ I have no-I don't-" 

"Okay. We can handle this. We'll just-i'll make it work. You'll be fine. I've got money." 

He's honestly not sure if it would be worse telling Tony he found the baby in a dumpster than it would be going along with any of this. No. Nope. There's no way he can correct him now. It's too late. It's gone and passed the checkpoint and then went back around and passed it again. He is doubly, triply, royally fucked. 

"Does it even have a name?" 

"F-" Peter winces. He lowers his head in shame and whispers, "Ferrari." 

"Jesus Peter." 

It's an accurate statement at least.


	2. Chapter 2

"Who's baby is this?" 

Peter looks up and Tony stops mumbling. They both make eye contact with the woman who just walked in, holding the baby and not looking all too pleased in that moment. _Pepper._

"Oh no," Peter whispers out loud.

"It's his," Tony says and points at Peter rather childishly. 

Pepper is not pleased. 

Peter stands up at the same time Tony starts to tell Pepper _everything._ (He knows he can feel her eyes judging him when Tony tells her about naming the baby _Ferarri._ It's definitely not his own anxiety telling him that. He judges _himself_ for that name.) 

He's not really sure what he's doing when he walks up and holds his arms out in a gesture that roughly translates to "give me the baby." But she does, and he's not really sure what he's doing. He can't hear the conversation they're having, as he slowly tries to slink away. And then Tony Stark comes through loud and clear. 

"What the fuck is that baby wearing?" 

And-oh. The hot neon pink bunny onesie. _Oh._ It actually kind of looks _worse_ than the first time he saw it. 

"I just kind of grabbed it?" Peter winces. The baby squirms, but he is thankfully finally quiet. "He was screaming _really_ loud. Like I know babies cry but it was _really_ loud. Like-he coulda been screaming through a megaphone or something, like a-a-a auctioneer-" 

"Peter," someone says, and he shuts up fast. 

"He can't stay in that," Tony says. "No baby I know is going around in _that_ if I can help it." 

" _Tony._ " Pepper. It's Pepper. "Have either of you called May?" 

"Oh," Peter says, and that says it all. 

There's no way he's getting out of that anymore. 

 

He kind of just leaves while they're calling May, and ends up at home without really thinking about what he's doing. (She's not home but-oh. Suddenly that makes a lot of sense.) 

"Well Ferarri," Peter says. (He's just going to embrace it. It's too late to change it now.) "We're home sweet home." 

Ferarri babbles at him and it's the only response he gets. 

 

He's on the floor of his bedroom, using his phone in one hand, and holding Ferarri with the other one, where he's laying on top his chest. The baby coos and pulls at Peter's lip (which, _gross_ ) and Peter just lets him. They're both tired and it keeps him from having to deal with a screaming baby. Ferarri doesn't like being alone and being alone means "not currently in contact with a human being" for the baby. He's looking at online articles, and intermittently speaking to the baby to give him attention, when Ferarri hiccups and goes flying into the ceiling. 

Peter screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't stop myself from writing when I haven't slept all night and ferarri is stuck in my head.


	3. Chapter 3

His first instinct is to call Ned. He's staring at the small, baby sized crater in his ceiling when Ned arrives, and he quickly ushers him into his room. The first thing Ned hones in on is the baby, because of course he does. Maybe he can actually pull off hiding the dent in the ceiling from May? 

"Please explain to me why there's a _baby_ in your arms." 

Peter feels like jumping through a window right now. Or maybe a wall. 

"His name is Ferarri, I found him in a dumpster and I called Mr. Stark but he thought I knocked up somebody and then he told Pepper that, and then he told _Aunt May,_ and now the baby has superpowers and I don't know what to do." 

(He has to gasp for air a lot after that, but it gives Ned time to process what he said.) 

"Of course _you_ would find a super powered baby in the trash." Ned laughs a little. It's really not funny. Peter thinks he's probably just nervous.

"What do I do, Ned." 

"I-I don't know? Call the-" Ned stops. He looks distraught. "What do they do with super powered babies?" 

"He left _that_ in the ceiling, Ned." Peter points up at the crater. He can see Ned's eyes widen. "Someone's going to find out." 

"Do you-do you think that's why he was in the dumpster?" Ned is pacing. "What if they-what if somebody experiments on him? What if they-you can't hand him over." 

" _Fuck._ " 

"Yeah, that about sums it up." 

"What am I supposed to _do?_ " Peter briefly considers jumping out a window again and living life on the lam, but that is an incredibly stupid idea. Definitely, probably very stupid. "I can't bring a baby to school, and I definitely can't bring this baby to school and I can't leave a _super baby_ at a daycare, and Aunt May has work-" 

“Peter.” 

Peter stops and turns to Ned. He realizes, suddenly, that he's been pacing an awful lot. Ferrari mumbles baby gibberish in the brief silence and they both stare at him like they forgot the baby was even there. (Which of course was utterly ridiculous when the whole conversation was about Ferrari to begin with.) 

Peter sits down rather abruptly, and Ned belatedly joins him. He's holding something of Peter's in his hands, but he's not quite sure what. Definitely not important right now. 

“ _Ned_ ,” Peter hisses. “Ned please. What do I do?” 

“We should tell MJ.” 

“That is a terrible idea.” 

“She's smart. She would probably know what to do.” 

“Nope. No. Definitely not doing that.” 

“Maybe-” Ned hesitates. “Maybe we should-tell-the adults?” 

“Ned!” 

“At least tell them it's a-” 

“Super baby?”

“Yes. That.” 

“Okay,” Peter relents. “But I'm not telling them I found him in a dumpster. At least-at least not now.” 

“That's fair,” Ned agrees. “So how are we going to explain this to MJ?” 

That, Peter realizes, is a conversation he definitely doesn't want to have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope the characterization is not too bad, but fully expect it may be because I really do not know enough about Ned. I'm only up to the winter soldier in the movies (as the one I need to watch next. I haven't rented one in a while yet, and that's the next one in line.) I'm putting this out anyways, even though I said I would wait until I got to the movie, so they're probably off. It's two am and I just finished writing this chapter, so I have no ability to stop myself.
> 
> I have only seen one spiderman movie in my life and it was into the spiderverse. Someday I'm going to watch this movie. Hopefully someday soon.


	4. Chapter 4

He and Ned have just introduced Ferrari to some of the best 90's-era movies they could find when Ned pulls out his phone and pales. 

“Peter. Peter-” 

“What?” 

"Your aunt's called me like, five times. They're onto us man."

“Oh.” Peter sits up rather suddenly. “Oh no.” 

“Yeah, _oh no,_ ” Ned hisses. “She could be home any minute and we don't even have a plan.” 

“We do have a plan!” Peter protests. 

“We have a plan to do nothing. That’s not a plan, that's _lies_ Peter.” 

“It's a good plan,” Peter says, because really, that's just unfair. “Or-well, it's an _okay_ plan. Maybe decent?” 

“It's a terrible plan and you know it.” 

“Okay, _fine_. It's a bad plan. But it's the best one we have,” Peter says, gesturing wildly-which somehow amuses the baby. “I mean what else are we supposed to do? Turn the baby over to the government?” 

“That's what you're _supposed_ to do when you find a baby in a dumpster.” 

“ET, Ned. _ET._ ” 

“Right, right. Of course.” Ned actually rests his head in his hands for a moment. “So what are we going to do about your aunt?” 

“Uhhhh-” Yep, nope. Peter’s blanking real hard on that and nothing-and he means _nothing_ -is coming to save him. “Just. Play it...cool?” 

“I don't-I don't even know what that's supposed to _mean_ ,” Ned says, almost hysterically. “There's a baby and-and what does that even mean?” 

“I don't know,” Peter whines. “It's just-what they say.” 

“What _who_ says!?” 

“ _I don't know!_ ” 

“This is going to go really badly, isn't it?” 

Peter opens his mouth to protest, but he honestly can't think of anything to say against that. Ned’s _right,_ and this is going to end _horribly,_ and he doesn't know what to do. He's just about to ask Ned to-well do something-whatever it is is banished from his head in seconds. He hears her before he sees her. All the way down the hall. (Not that she’s loud, he just has good hearing and he always knows when she's coming to the door.) 

 

“Oh shit,” Peter says, because it's the only word that suits his predicament, and hopes Aunt May doesn't hear it. “It's Aunt May.” 

 

The key fits in the lock at the same time Ned repeats him, and as Peter keeps up the silent mantra in his head, it turns and clicks open, and she goes for the doorknob. Aunt may is going to be so disappointed in him. And then she's going to be even more disappointed in him ~~when~~ -if- _when,_ she finds out the truth. _Fuck, fuck, fuck-_ The door opens, and Peter actually winces in anticipation of her disapproval. He doesn't want Aunt May to be disappointed in him. That's almost actually the worst thing ever, after all the really worst things like the apocalypse and global pandemics. 

“Peter? Peter, what's this I’m hearing about a baby?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still no Aunt May yet because I don't know enough about her to write her yet. Otherwise she would have made her appearance, and the chapter would also end up longer. I had a sudden burst of productivity (right before my bedtime too. I'm not tired yet) and that resulted in this chapter being born/finished. Again, if characterisation is off its because I know very little about what I actually need to know.

**Author's Note:**

> I had a dream about Ferarri, that night, as spiderman. But most of it was spent on how Spider-Man broke into an apartment that used to be his and walked around the corner of the ceiling and saw three people in the kitchen and panicked but the dude that lived there was a spiderman fan so he sat him down with movies and gave him wise sagely advice and then held a party where Spiderman spent the entire time on the ceiling uncomfortable.
> 
> I was witness to this dream through the eyes of spiderman. 
> 
>  
> 
> I actually haven't watched any Spiderman movies yet I'm only up to iron man 2 and Thor and stuff. I have a long way to go and I haven't slept so I couldn't stop myself.


End file.
